Beth's Song

Something I do not understand

2009-03-26T13:03:00.004-04:00

As I've spoken about the changes I've experienced within myself over the past few years, I have only one question.

Where am I going wrong?

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends. And, I'm fairly certain I have a handful of the greatest friends in the world. I consider myself greatful for each and every one of them.

However, I'm finding myself searching for more. I feel like I've grown so much, and most of the credit for that goes to several people I've come into contact with. They are people who make we want to be a better person. They are people I have gained so much from. And above all, they have inspired my faith to believe in things I used to doubt.

And, I find myself reaching out to them. I find myself reaching so hard, but can't quite reach.

Maybe they don't get it.

I've been told that I give off that sort of "untouchable" vibe. I've been told that I can be intimidating. And, I know I've been really, sort of "hard"...that's not the right word...well...I guess I seem to lack empathy.
And maybe I sort of do. But, empathetic is something I'm learning to be. Empathy was not something I ever experienced. And now that I have, I want to show that toward others.

Maybe it's too late to go back and just "reverse" the attitude I've shown to others for so long.

Maybe those who I've reached out to just can't believe it.

Or, maybe they don't trust me.

What do you think?

Beautiful

2009-03-24T18:05:00.002-04:00

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovery eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowlege that you'll never walk alone."
-Audrey Hepburn

We should all say our affirmations every day.

This, is one of mine.

A little deep for me

2009-03-12T13:03:00.004-04:00

The last several years have been life changing for me. Each of my experiences has brought me closer to the person I am today and the person I want to become.

More specifically speaking, I have made (probably) the biggest, most substancial, changes over the past 2 years. In April of 2007 I was offered a position working at a church-based preschool and child care enter. At the time, I figured I was "well suited" for the position because I had the credentials, the experience, and I belonged to a church. It was difficult to leave my previous position and the children I cared for, but I knew (you know when something just feels right?) that it was something I needed to do.

The first few weeks, possible even months I found myself struggling. Never before had I heard anyone seriously using phrases like "walk with Christ" come up in everyday conversation. I can remember one of my first conversations with a co-worker who was telling me about how they had led a small group which they had started in order to become closer with their God. Not that I was not a spiritual person, but I was private about it. I never would have openly discussed my faith with anyone, let alone with someone whom I had just met. One of the experiences I will never forget was one in which a co-worker sat down and prayed with me:
There was a little boy who had been in my classroom at my previous work place. He required special attention due to severe behavior problems, and it was suggested to his family that he not return the the classroom shortly after I had left. So, with nowhere elso to go, and trusting very few people with their child, the family chose to follow me to my new place of employment. That is, if we would accept him. The arrangment was that Handprints (the preschool and child care)would work closely with myself (the teacher), the child and the child's family in order to best serve his needs, and that we would deal with issues as they arose. As time would have it, the child's behavior problems persisted, and it appeared the behaviors had intensified (I had a difficult time determining whether they had, in fact become worse, or if I was just becomming tired, as I did not have assistance in the classroom). I was becomming exhausted with the situation, but loved the child very much. I felt a tremendous amount of responsibility for this child. After all, I had spent 40+hours a week over the past (almost)2 years. I felt that his behaviors were a result of my lack of appropriate attention to him. I can remember that as I was preparing for what turned out to be the "fated" meeting with his family, I was feeling an enormous amount of uneasiness. When, a co-worker who I had grown very close with came to me. She sat down next to me and grabbed my hands and said "I can see you're upset and I'm going to pray with you". At that second, I felt like running. To begin, I am not what you'd consider a "touchy-feely" person, but I also had never actually prayed with anyone before. I sat still, I think she could feel my body tense. But, Priscilla continued. And she prayed with me.

That experience was one of my most memorable, life changing experiences.

The day I left Handprints, I knew I was leaving behind some of the best friends I've ever had. To me I was not leaving behind a job or my friends, I was leaving behind my family.

I realize more and more each day how much I miss each and everyone one of those girls.

I could never tell them all how much they mean to me.

The Luckiest

2009-03-09T12:34:00.003-04:00

It's time like these that confirm to me that I really am one of the luckiest girls in the world.

In a rough economy, being married to a carpenter can make life a little, well...difficult. My husband has been laid off since Christmas. He had been laid off for several weeks last summer, but at that time, our utility bills were pretty much non-existant. In fact, at the time I found it to be comical how little our lives changed with the loss of one income. Toward the end of last summer, only 3 weeks before our wedding, I recieved a job offer. It was a difficult decision, but was something which was on my heart for quite some time. And, after much thought and consideration I decided to follow my heart and start my new job.

How amazing is hindsight (which is something I speak of a lot)! Although leaving behind my job at Handprints was difficult, I knew that I was being called to help others in another way. Now, only 6 months later, I feel such a sense of satisfaction in what I'm doing. Financially speaking, during the winter months the bills are substancially higher. And while my husband is not able to work, I am able to support us. And let me also share with you that I just recieved my very 1st promotion!

To top it all off...Matt returned to work this morning!

Not that I think our lives will always be this easy, but it certainly is relieving to know we've made it through this far. Espeially when so many others haven't.

2009-03-03T12:19:00.002-05:00

I've recently come across a fantastic blog written by a mother of 4 children under 5 years old. She absolutly amazes me with her strength and enthusiasm. So thank you Morgan, for giving me the opportunity to complete this blog-style interview!

1. When you met your husband as a freshman in highschool, was it love at
first sight? Did you know that he was the one you wanted to marry, or did
it take a while?
Actually, we met in the 5th grade. At the time he was just another little boy runing around the playground. During the middle school years, all the girls chased him around but I was not a fan. In fact, he sat behind me in band class (I played the clarinet, he played the trombone) and everyday he would kick all my school books under my chair all over the floor. (Of course, I was completly innocent!). I can remember in 8th grade, Matt asked one of my best friends "out" and I told her she should break up with him because I was absolutly convinced he was gay. Matt was always the guy whose hair was perfect, his clothes always matched, and he was just a little too nice for my liking. Anyway, once freshman year came around all of a sudden (like literally overnight!), we just fell in love...I am still as in love with him now as I was then!

2. 10 years later, do you still get butterflys in your stomache when you're
around your husband?
I wouldn't say I get butterflies when we're around eachother, it's more when we're about to se eachother. Like when he pulls up in the driveway after work, when I'm waiting for him to wake up on a Saturday morning, or when the phone rings and it's him.

3 . Having a job in social work, is there anything you see during your work
that breaks your heart?
I see a lot of things that break my heart. Just this morning I had a client come in who has a 2 year old son who's been removed from her custody and placed in foster care because she was living with her mother who just up and left the home one day without telling her that the bank had taken posession of it. She's been sleeping in her car with her son for several weeks, on nights she can't find anywhere to go. I'm helping her to find a more appropriate and permanant living situation so we can get her son back.
But It's really satisfying to know that the small things I do for all the people I work with can make such a huge difference in their lives.

4. What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant at 16?
LONG story, I pretty much knew from day 1. I had all the classic symptoms. My first thought was that I needed to terminate the pregnancy because my mother would never forgive me. (And the funny thing is, she really never has). My next thought was to tell Matt, and then I went into survival mode-just doing whatever it took to get through.

5. Do you have any regrets about placing your baby for adoption? How does
an open adoption work?
Everyday I think about how we all would have been just fine. But I know that in Makenzie's best interest, giving her to a family who could guarentee her a life full of love and happiness was the only option.
Open adoption is not necessarily a legal term, it just something we consider ourselves VERY lucky to have. At the time we choose the adoptive family for our little angel, one of the most important things we were looking for was a family who would allow us to see her grow. At the time, we were hoping for an occasional photograph or letter in the mail. But, when we met Dan and Kristi (her adoptive parents), they were hoping for biological parents who wanted the same thing! We've been lucky enough to not only correspond through letters and phone calls, but we've been there every step of the way. We celebrate all the birthdays and holidays together and are always welcome in eachother's homes. And what's even better is that Makenzie knows that we, "Auntie Beth" and "Uncle Matt" are her birth parents. She knows she can ask us anything she wants and we can answer all her questions. I really could not ask for a better relationship with her!

I really enjoyed this interview. Anyone else who'd like to interview me is more than welcome, and if you'd like me to interview you, please don't hesitate to ask!

Thanks Morgan!

2009-02-24T17:14:00.002-05:00

There are times in which we all (and I think I'm accurate in the statement "we all"- correct me if I'm wrong) wonder "Why me?". Today, for me, is one of these days.

For those of you who don't know me, my life totally and completly revolves around my future. When I say future, I mean all 5 w's. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that each and every day of my life I spend a good amount of time thinking about those people who will be in my life (or out of it, and those somewhere in between), what I might be doing (what I hope to do, what I hope I do not do), when I hope certain events will arise (I do not, however, plan for these events.), where I may or may not be living, working, etc. I spend countless hours trying to rationalize my hopes, dreams, and fantasies. I also spend countless hours reminding myself to be realistic. And I do not think that any of these things I see for myself are unrealistic or in anyway unreachable. For I am a realist, and if there's one thing I cannot stand, it's those who have unrealistic pictures of themselves and their futures.

One of the things, wait...THING that I am ALWAYS thinking of is a family.

(First of all, I think It's important for me to tell you that since the birth of my little angel Makenzie in 2002, my life has been...well...less than full.) BUT! On a great note, after the past 7 years of prevention, my husband and I have been trying to conceive since the new year!!

I guess where the "why me" comes in is that of the many friends we have, about 1/2 of them have children. And now, two more of them are pregnant. Both of which, were quite surprised by this finding, as they both are married but happen to be living in a home WITH THEIR PARENTS! Now, yes. I have spent plenty of self-talks telling myself that their living situation is less-than ideal. Us, on the other hand, have great jobs, great prospects for the future, supportive families, a home and a yard of our own. We are stable not only financially, but we are a team, and we are madly in love with oneanother. Can you think of a better way to bring a child into this world?

And yes, I know that God knows what's in our hearts, and he will provide in his own time.
But part of me just wants to know why can't it be on MY time?

I guess it's just not fair.

...On the other hand...I'm due for my "Monthly visit" this week (like today actually)...so maybe this will be my week...

Gotta love my husband!

2009-02-18T12:50:00.002-05:00

So last night we were on our way (or sopposed to have been on our way) out the door to make a quick stop by Home Depot on our way to visit two of our BEST friends. As I'm standing upstairs peering down the stairs at Matt, I can see he's frantically (ok, well maybe not frantically, but definitly rushing), in and out of the guest room (where he keeps his clothes) and the bathroom. Now, let me thell you that I think it's absolutly hysterical the fact that I... The woman...who, by the way, does not step so much as a foot out the door without makeup on...is done and ready far before my husband. Anyway, as I start my nagging, the converstion sounds a little something like this:

B: Matt, what's taking you so long? We need to go!

M: I know (as the sink begins to run in the bathroom)! I just need to get ready!

B: I really don't understand...(I was going to finish with: "why you need to get ready to go to Home Depot and visit Alaina and Will. You're fine!")

M: (approaches the bottom of the stairs) HONEY! I do need to get ready. It's 6:00, and the Hot Dog Girl might still be there!"

Enough said.

A little piece of myself

2009-02-12T18:09:00.003-05:00

The following is from my profile I have posted on my Myspace page. I'm sure for my first post on my first "real" blog, I probably should write something original.
But I also think as my first post, I should give you as much insite into who I am as possible, being that you're taking time to be here. So here it is...

I don't need much to be happy, but I'm happy with everything i have, which is a lot.
I'm not materialistic by any means, but I have materials in which I'm very thankful for.
I think life's too short to hold grudges, I tend to forgive and forget...eventhough it isn't always easy.
I think everyone is human and makes mistakes. Yes, some are bigger than others, but in the end, if we learn from them, the mistakes are worth making.
Sometimes my heart is too big, and I tend to think I can save the world. (But, all-too-often people don't see this in me. Believe me. It's something I'm working on.)
I always hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
I follow my own path, and I dance on it!!
I do my best to live my life to the fullest, not missing even the smallest detail.
I can be stubborn at times, but only if it helps me get my way and I only things I care enough to go my way are the things that are truly worth having.
In my book, everyone deserves a chance and should be treated equally, at least until I see a reason not to.
I am a realist with an imagination.
Because I see things for the way they ARE and not the way I WANT them to be, I'm always good for a nice push off the pedestal we all tend to stand on at times. (I'm fairly certain my friends would agree!)
I have a great ability to step back from a situation and deal with it in an objective manner.
I tend to be the "go to" person, not the one "going to" someone else, which is something I'm very proud of.
I'd like to think I can be a powerful woman someday.
I want to be a leader.
I don't settle for what I can live with, but I settle for what I can't live without.
I cannot live without my friends, my pets, my brother, and my husband (who happens to be my best friend of all!).
Music is what moves me. I think if we all just listen, there's music in everything we do. I try my best to live my life in the most harmonious manner possible.

My favorite quote: "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person who wasn't sopposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder everytime. You'll break hearts too. So remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. The greatest advice I ever recieved is to take too many pictures, laugh too much (at least until your stomach hurts!), and love like you've never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

So there it is.

...And really.

If anyone can help me out with this, send me your comments and suggestions. I really could use them.